At around 6:30pm, I come home from Seward park; my second day renting my room. As I arrive, I notice that my landlord/roommate Jim’s car is parked outside. I walk in, take a piss, notice that my roommate’s door is shut, and go into my room, adjacent to his. After about 5 minutes, I hear exactly what I feared: the panting of lovemaking coming from Jim’s room. My eyes widen, my sight narrows, and time slows down. I want to get out of here. I force myself to calm down, and accept reality. As calmly as I can, I grab my laptop and go to a nearby cafe.
In Tokyo, I had paper thin walls and neighbors passing by my apartment often. In the throws of passion, a girl I was giving pleasure to would often start uncontrollably screaming in pleasure. When they were really loud, I would tell her to be quite, giving her something to muffle the sound. Usually I would play music, too. But I never stopped out of concern for the discomfort of my neighbors. Even worse, I imagine my neighbors hearing added pride to my ego. When I look back on the sounds coming out of Jim’s room, I first think of the unique sound of a man screaming instead of a woman. Then my minds blanks that out and solving the dilemma; the unstoppable nature of their love making my frustration that even though I understand the mechanics of it, I still cannot forgive what I heard.
I return at 8:30, my Jim’s car is gone. My other roommate, Johnny, who is the older brother of Jim, comes home. He comes in and I offer him a beer. He accepts. He starts letting out what’s on his mind: he got in a fight with his girlfriend Sheila last night. She is an older, blond girl, with a four year old son named Coulton. Johnny explains that they fought when Coulton woke up in the middle of the night, crying that he wanted to go home, and that he wanted his teddy bear. Johnny tells me about her story: she just moved out of her house on Capitol Hill. She had one son with a man, but it didn’t work out. Then she met another man and had a second son, Coulton. This relationship went sour recently. He left and she kept the house, but was unable to pay the bills. So she sold the house and is now homeless. Johnny met her several months ago. He says that he is not ready to be this deep in her problems because they haven’t been dating that long. He later mentions that he just got out of a six year relationship with another woman. Johnny tells me stories about Jim, about his family, and about his last girlfriend. He plays in a band as a lead singer and seems to date a lot of women. He has stylish Levi’s jeans on - he said he just bought them today. He says everything is crazy right now because Jim has “a friend” visiting him and Sheila is temporarily staying with him. He says Sheila doesn’t want to come over when Jim and his friend are here. When I tell Johnny that I am sleeping on a foam Mattress, he offers his Thermarest to put under it. I accept and he leaves it outside my door that night. He offers to help me with picking up a mattress on Thursday after three if I need the help. I was thankful for someone willing to help me in my new home.
In the morning, I wait for Jim to go to work and I leave my room afterwards. I start eating a bowl of cereal. I find his friend, Francois, the lover from the night before, in the dining room next to the kitchen. I say hello to him and he comes into the kitchen to talk. I want to be nice to him, but I can’t. Not after the day before. I am cold to him. He mentions a box of cereal left on the kitchen counter, and tells me that there is an empty cupboard above the fridge that I can store it in. I tell him it is not mine and show him my cereal in the cupboard given to me by Jim. He mentions that it must be Jim’s older brothers’ then.
Up comes Sheila from Johnny’s room - Johnny is gone. She is carrying beef jerky. She says hi to me, and I warmly greet her from the awkwardness of talking to Francois. She says hi back and then Francois says hi. I feel ignored while they talk and she makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for Coulton’s field trip to Pike Place Market. I go to the bathroom and come back, they are both gone from the kitchen but there is piece of jerky laying on top of a magazine. I leave to get shampoo and come back around noon to fix lunch. The bread board in the kitchen is littered with crumbs, peanut butter, and jam. I go sit on the porch. A man wearing work clothes comes in and starts throwing plastic tubing and plywood around the front yard. He doesn’t see me. He looks angry or frustrated. I again want to run off. Seeing him throwing things like that makes me feel uneasy. But again, I force myself to remain calm. I lower the volume on the movie I had wanted to finish up from last night during my lunch. He looks up “oh! sorry, I didn’t see you. I’m the carpenter working on the fence” I feel awkward, having witnessed him throwing stuff around the yard. “It’s a nice looking fence” I say. “Thank you” he says “Is Jim around?”
I return home from a run in the park at 8:00pm. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to face my roommates. Jim and Francois are on the porch eating a candle lit meal. I say hi and when I do Jim offers me an hors d'oeuvre. It is Avocado on toasted bread and is delicious. Jim asks me if I am getting settled in OK. I don’t know what to say, so I say yes. He asks me if the noise is ok. I panic inside. My brain flashes back to the sounds emanating from his room the day before. I tongue catches in my throat. Jim, seeing my inability to speak, says “like from outside or the neighbors.” I say “yes, everything is fine” I’m faking it, inside I’m not OK. I don’t know how to face the conflict. I wish I did. I make conversation, but I am just putting a veneer of cheer over my discomfort.
I notice that I have a problem communicating now. I hold back instead of investing in the relationship. I cannot get myself to talk about him and Francois’s relationship. I don’t want to ask any favors. Because I don’t want to start a relationship while I haven’t cleared up my problems from the night before. The foundation is weak, so I don’t want to build anything on it. This problem of the lovemaking has weakened my foundation with Jim. I make the greeting, but I am uncomfortable building anything more.
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